Setting Boundaries: A Lesson I Keep Relearning

Me, right now.

Every time I think I’ve mastered this lesson, I get a hard slap-on-the-cheek reminder that nope, haven’t even achieved proficient level yet. 

I’ve worked very hard over the last few years to remove toxic people from my life by setting boundaries that keep them at a distance. I’ve worked very hard to move my career forward by setting boundaries on what projects or jobs I say “yes” to. I’ve worked very hard on building my self-confidence and self-esteem by creating boundaries that, when crossed, force me to stand up for myself. The one area I still struggle with is setting boundaries with people who I am incredibly fond of and have trouble saying “no” to. I tend to go out of my way to meet their needs and requests even if what they need hinders my own needs. 

The biggest reason these boundaries, and their enforcement, are so important is that when I don’t set them and I go out of my way for someone else, and then that person takes advantage of me, I feel like a complete idiot. A used, discarded, idiot. And worst of all, an idiot who can’t really be upset because I didn’t set any boundaries that I can now enforce. 

So, to help me try to lessen the intense anger, hurt and general feelings of embarrassment that tend to accompany feeling like a fool (all things I’m feeling right now), I’m writing down some very important things I have to remember:

I have to remember to set boundaries early. 

I have to remember that my time is precious and that letting other people manipulate my time is absolutely not ok.

I have to remember to set boundaries regardless of whether the other person is going to be upset. 

I have to remember to set boundaries regardless of whether the other person is going to have to scramble to solve their problem. 

I have to remember that just because I’m fond of someone, doesn’t mean I have to bend over backwards for them. 

I have to remember to set boundaries when my natural instinct is to want to fix someone else’s problem. 

I have to listen to that feeling that comes from my core when someone is asking me to do something for them that goes against what’s best for me.

I have to remember that just because I can doesn’t mean I should.