My Daughter Needs My Help But I Feel Helpless Too

“Have you ever had someone like you, but you don’t like them?” asked my 9 year old daughter when I picked her up from school. This question came on the heels of me witnessing a boy, who has been making her uncomfortable for months now, follow her out of the classroom saying, “Have a good day. Have a good day. Ainsley! Have a good day!” He said this over and over until she finally acknowledged him with an irritated and embarrassed mumble, “Thank you.” I grabbed her around the shoulders and hugged her and asked if he was still bothering her even though I had brought it to the teacher’s attention. She nodded then asked the question above. “Yes, Booboo, a lot.” I replied with a huge sigh. “What did you do?” she asked… 

I still haven’t answered. 

I mean, I answered. But not clearly. And with recommendations that put a ton of pressure on a little girl. A ton of pressure she shouldn’t have to deal with. I talked about setting boundaries, and to not be afraid to say things like, “please leave me alone”, “I only like you as a friend”, etc.  But as these words spilled out of my mouth, I felt like such a helpless hypocrite. I don’t say those things when I need to, why the hell am I expecting my sweet, sensitive 9 year old to?

Why don’t I say those things when a man is making me uncomfortable? Because I’m too scared. I’m scared of the repercussions. I’m scared I’ll look like a bitch. I’m scared of his reaction. And mostly, just like my beautiful daughter, I am terrified of hurting someone’s feelings. 

Then the reality of this whole situation comes into painful focus and I start to spiral. Why is it our job to protect their feelings? Why is it our job to worry? Why is it our job to figure out how to let someone down easy? Why is it our job to put up with someone making us uncomfortable? Why is it our job to learn self defense? Why is it our job to wear the right thing? Why is it our job to not put ourselves in precarious situations? Why is it our job to cover our drinks at bars? Why is it our job to be on high alert at all times? Why? Why?! WHY?!

Men. That’s why. No, not all men (eye roll). But enough. 

Thankfully, with the #metoo and #timesup movements, more and more of the struggle we’ve been facing is coming to light and men are beginning to stop and listen and learn. But that doesn’t help me with this situation. This situation is happening right now and I don’t have time to wait for society to change. Also, this situation is subtle. He’s technically not being mean. But he is hurting her. She is anxious and uncomfortable in her environment because of him. And those are feelings I can absolutely relate to. Continuously having someone project their feelings onto me without me reciprocating starts to feel like harassment. 

So I did the only thing I could think of. I emailed the teacher to ask if there was anything else we could do. I explained this boy is still making her uncomfortable and that although I can tell he’s not being mean, it’s still not ok. I went on to say that I’ve been coaching my daughter on what to do but then realized what actually needs to happen is a kind, gentle, but honest conversation with this boy about boundaries and how his size (he’s much larger than she is), actions and body language could make someone uncomfortable. 

What I left out of the email was that I am feeling particularly defensive about this because 1. it’s my baby who is being made to feel uncomfortable and 2. I am a grown woman who has had a lifetime of having to deal with grown men who didn’t get that conversation growing up and have subsequently made my life incredibly uncomfortable.