Stop Asking Us About Our Plan B
17 year old me (second from right) in Neil Simon’s Rumors - Beyer High School 1997
I was listening to a voice actor’s podcast recently and he was asking his guest about how she got started in acting. She started talking about reading all the “Business of Acting” type books that are typically recommended to all young actors. (Well, at least those of us around my age or older who started out when books were our only source of information.) As she began describing the information she found, she cut herself off and noted that the book said something like, “If there’s anything else in the world you are good at…do that.” And she started venting about how much she hated that. The podcast host agreed, saying how much he also was frustrated by those comments. I was vehemently shaking my head and out loud agreeing with them both.
I had read one of those books as well, and the book I read also had a similar “this shit is hard, you should do something else” line. But I’d like to take this one step further. The books weren’t the only one telling me I should reconsider my career choice. A majority of the circle around my young, impressionable, teenage self was saying things to me like, “Yeah you’re good at this, yeah that sounds like a cool career, buuuuut…what’s your plan B in case this doesn’t work out?”
‘When this doesn’t work out’ is what I actually heard. I heard a version of that comment over and over and over:
“Oh, you’re getting a theatre degree? Well, I guess you could use that to teach.”
“How are you going to make ANY money?”
“You know, only the best of the best make any money at all.”
“Have fun waiting tables, then!”
“I sure hope you like being poor.”
I then heard a different guest on this podcast describe how she avoided pursing a career in acting because she assumed her parents would “disown” her if she did. She had felt this way because she too had received a ton of negative feedback from her parents. She said one day she realized her parents loved her and that they would never disown her for choosing the path she wanted. But, she justified their behavior by saying that they were just concerned for her future well-being as any good parent would. But the podcast host pointed out that this immediate negative feedback isn’t given to other professions. Parents don’t typically ask someone wishing to become a doctor about their “backup plan”.
I would like to hypothesize that the immediate negativity that we so often encounter comes from the other person’s fear. On the surface it can seem like their fear is for our well-being, but I think it is actually coming from the fear within themselves. The fear that they have allowed to dictate how they live their lives. My evidence for this hypothesis is completely from my own life. When I allowed my fear to dictate that I leave this uncertain passion of acting for a traditional “desk job”, I became incredibly jealous of those still pursuing it. That jealousy expressed itself in every version of negative speak imaginable. I would list off all the negative reasons to justify why I wasn’t still on that path and all the negative reasons why they were sure to fail on their path.
It took me a long time to figure out that all of the fear I had built up inside of me, wasn’t actually mine. It was fear that had been projected on to me, that I had then internalized. I took a step back and looked at the people who had questioned my choices and realized they weren’t living the lives they had hoped they would, and were responding defensively to my choice of actually pursuing what made me happiest. Once I made that realization (well into my 30s), it took years to peel away the layers of fear within myself. Letting go of that fear, (especially the fear of what others might think of me) has had the biggest, most positive, impact on my life. It’s led me to a life filled with living my passion in ways I didn’t even know existed.
A career in the arts is hard AF. So, please, please, please, for the love of all things holy, PLEASE do not add to that difficulty by questioning our choice to pursue it. Just be excited for us and offer to help. Or, at the very least, follow the old adage: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.